So Long, Soehn

You are the weakest link – goodbye!

Tuesday morning it became official that Tom Soehn would keep the tradition alive at D.C. United as he decided to not seek re-election. Apparently incumbency only works in politics and not as United’s head coach.

Since you didn’t ask, here are eleven guys* who D.C. might consider to replace Soehn with pros and cons on each. It’s up to you to decide which ones are serious.

* It’s blogger law that all soccer related lists have eleven entries.

11. Sasho Cirovski

Pros: Local. Won two NCAA titles since ’05. MLS needs another asshole coach to torment referees with Soehn gone.

Cons: Ain’t gonna leave Maryland. Period. Unless they pay him what Ruud Gullit got from the Galaxy, then he might reconsider.

10. Jim Zorn

Pros: Also local. Should be available by the SuperDraft. Can bring Sherm Lewis with him to hold up the substitution board, though the subs may wind up being player “B” for “4” or “G” for “52.” Watch out for the free space one too.

Cons: Would be even less qualified as an MLS coach than an NFL one. And that’s saying something. Though it might bring Riggo out to a game to heckle him from Barra Brava, which would be a plus.

9. John Harkes

Pros: Obvious D.C. United connection. Was Arena’s top assistant in New York. Would get him off ESPN’s broadcasts. Could do in-game interviews in Scottish brogue.

Cons: Would he really leave the broadcast booth? (Maybe ESPN will name him “Broadcaster For Life,” only to axe him for Andy Gray a month prior to South Africa 2010.) There’s a reason he left coaching for broadcasting.

8. Curt Onalfo

Pros: Ties to D.C. United. Was decent in Kansas City in his run with the Wizards. His attacking style fits what Payne wants.

Cons: Arrogant asshole. Apparently can’t run quality practices. His “attacking style” rarely produced goals for the Wizards.

7. Marion Barry

Pros: Sticking with the local theme (avoids that relocation cost, ya know?). Beloved by seemingly everyone in D.C. Is savvy enough to not get on Jaime Moreno’s bad side. Continual cries of “The Ref set me up!” in post-game pressers. Could claim he was “scouting” and not stalking people.

Cons: There’s an equal chance he would die or be arrested on the sidelines; even though they say any publicity is good, I think that crosses the line. Still couldn’t help get a stadium built. Would encourage trainers to use medicinal marijuana.

6. Robin Fraser

Pro: Grooming himself under Jason Kreis and RSL’s back-to-back playoff appearances. Defensive minded which this team could sorely use. Well respected around the league.

Con: Third assistant for 8^th placed team. Would be a relative reach at this point in his career, though not as bad as Snyder reaching for Zorn. Not as well known to fans.

5. Colin Clarke

Pros: Had moderately successful run in Dallas. Led Puerto Rico (USL-1) to knockout stage of CONCACAF Champions League, which Soehn was unable to do.

Cons: Too similar in personality to Soehn and would have similar locker room problems. If you were Clarke, would you leave Puerto Rico?

4. Jon Spencer

Pro: Alleged top assistant in MLS. Attack minded player should mean attack minded coach. Would bring back Bellbottoms (Yeah!).

Cons: Fiery demeanor might not mesh well with veterans. Might be pricier as alleged in non-hire in Chicago. How much help does Dom Kinnear really need?

3. Richie Williams (assuming he becomes available)

Pros: Obvious D.C. United connection. Has been the most successful coach for Red Bull lately. Fan favorite. Would bring back shuffling of personnel between New York and D.C. which hasn’t happened lately.

Cons: Might not be as easy to coach guys he played with (Moreno and Olsen). Saying you’re the best coach for NYRB is like saying you’re the thinnest person on The Biggest Loser.

2. Kevin Payne

Ahh, who am I kidding, not even KP has that big of an ego.

2. Michael Scott

Pros: Speaking of ego, there ya go. Only a few hours away in Scranton, PA. There are no koi ponds in RFK (though watch out for rat traps). Excellent motivator. Would be a players coach, a big change from Soehn. Already has his assistant (to the) coach handpicked.

Cons: Would try to make the game all about him. Doesn’t know any positions. (That’s what she said!) Would be a “yes man” for Payne. All in all probably not an upgrade over Soehn, even if it would be more entertaining.

1. Dave Sarachan

Pros: Successful in Chicago as head coach before being unjustly dismissed. Ties to D.C. United. Currently helping to revive Galaxy as Bruce Arena’s top assistant. Would know exactly what you’re getting unlike some other assistants who will likely be interviewed.

Cons: Good on X’s and O’s, not the best motivator. Might be unfairly viewed as a re-tread. Would know exactly what you’re getting meaning there’s no chance of catching the next big coach.

At this point I’d say my choice would be Sarachan with Williams as his assistant. Richie likely wants a head coaching gig, but I’m not sure he’d get one and under Sarachan he would be more 1A than a second in command.

- Pat Walsh